True fact: I do not like rats (or mice) at all. Even the thought of watching the film Willard makes my skin crawl. Ugh. Which is a shame since I think the lead actor looks really nifty-creepy in the trailer. Since even watching the trailer made me feel all oogy – the film will have to remain unseen by me.

My dislike of rats is important because it almost explains the re-occurring daydream I have about “Fire Rats”. Almost. OK, so not really. I may be a bit obsessed with cheesy movies with plot devices like zombie sharks, flying sharks, huge bugs that take over the world, and other very realistic scenarios.

Imagine that there is an abandoned warehouse. Because there is always an abandoned warehouse. This warehouse was used by a chemical company to store high-grade pesticides and fire-retardant chemicals until they were closed following an investigation by the EPA. Or maybe the Forest Service? I’ve often thought about an Alternate Universe where the Forest Service is the most kick-ass branch of the government because ….. reasons. Very important reasons that I haven’t worked out yet.

So, the rats. Creepy ones with glowing red eyes. Because of course when the Evil Chemical Company (ECC) was closed down they forgot about this one out of the way warehouse with lots of dangerous stuff inside. So, over a few years, the rats have been living and breeding in a cesspool of pesticides and fire-retardant chemicals. Naturally, as happens, the pesticides caused them to grow a bit bigger and altered their brain chemistry. The chemicals damaged the eyes of the rats so that they are crystallized. Of course, this is bad because in the right circumstances this means that reflected sunlight is bounced off the eyes and concentrated. Which of course will set things on fire.

The rats don’t mind the fire because it makes bugs and animals run out of buildings and become food for the hungry mischief of rats. (fun fact: group of rats is a “mischief”) I can just picture the “Rat Expert” always correcting everyone else who calls the group of rats a “horde”, “pack”, or other incorrect terms. Due to constant exposure to fire-retardant chemicals, the rats are fire proof. “Oh my God! They are not just rats – they are FIRE RATS!”

Be afraid, it’s not just zombie crickets anymore!

NOTE: There is no picture of a rat because when I looked for one it freaked me out!